Tsukistar's 2024 (I): going in circles, repeating like a pendulum
A few days ago, I hand-picked some of my old posts and put them on this blog. Looking back at what I’ve written since 2018, I found that after I started working in 2021, I wrote fewer technical exploration posts, and more “emo” posts. From an external perspective, there were more and more things I had to face. From my own perspective, the shift—from being full of hope and constantly exploring new things, to not seeing hope and falling into confusion—has been a microcosm of my mental journey over the past few years.
But recently I realized something else: it feels like I’ve been spinning in a circle and can’t break out of it. My mental state is also like a pendulum, swinging back and forth between extreme positivity and extreme negativity.
Major Events of 2024
When I think carefully about this year, I suddenly feel that 2024 was more “dramatic” and eventful than the past few years. So my yearly review will probably be split into three parts. This part is about thoughts and feelings; financial situation and self-media will be written as two separate posts.
In 2024, I had two relatively major conflicts with my parents. In the end, things settled down, but it also made me more certain that there are things we are destined not to understand about each other. Even though my parents are relatively open-minded, in the end, some things can only be done quietly by myself first. After the Spring Festival of 2024, I attended my ex-girlfriend’s graduation ceremony, then we broke up. Not getting along with her family was one reason, but the biggest reason was that after she secured her job, our differences in future plans, financial ability, lifestyle habits, and so on were magnified endlessly. She also clearly said she felt I wasn’t ambitious enough and that my current job wasn’t good. Meanwhile, it was also hard for me to feel any lasting and stable sense of security from her thoughts and words.
Over New Year’s, I went to Qiandao Lake and Hangzhou; in October, I went to Singapore—my first solo overseas trip. Traveling really makes me happier, and along the way I see more things and can think more clearly about what I truly want.
In 2024, I again started from things that I could “reach with just a bit of effort”—writing around specific frameworks, doing translation and proofreading work, and contributing to open-source projects. This year I used AI tools more frequently to help me learn new technologies and solve problems. I built my personal homepage with Vue by imitating miHoYo’s official site, tried learning and using Astro, and rebuilt my personal blog with Astro.
In 2024, I tried to restart a WeChat Official Account, but I really didn’t write many technical posts this year. In the second half of the year, I started building my YouTube channel, Twitch channel, and Discord group, and organized my Ko-fi page. I gradually understood what I was missing if I wanted to convert public traffic into private communities. Some things worth celebrating in 2024: Twitch monetization was enabled, Twitter surpassed 800 followers, and Ms. Tsukistar’s sticker pack received tips on WeChat. There were also many happy moments: I met many new creators, became good friends with many VTubers, hosted my first fully English stream with broken English, joined my first “totsumachi”, participated in my first collab projects, and experimented with producing various kinds of Tsukistar & Ms. Tsukistar merch for the first time.
In 2024 I started investing in US stocks. I bought Intel and experienced a 30% drawdown, but managed to exit safely. Later, as I invested in more stocks, I slowly filled back the early losses I had from investing in stocks and silver. I was lucky to catch a good timing: I entered the A-share market before the central bank injected liquidity, and when the A-share market surged, I not only recovered my past losses but also made an extra 6,000+ RMB. This year I opened accounts at Wise, OCBC, and iFast, experienced the OCBC account closure wave, got an Estonia e-Residency card, and kept searching for a direction—like a small boat on the sea.
If I ignore my own events, I also witnessed many major happenings in 2024. But in the following, I want to focus more on myself, and talk more about how I felt this year.
The “Invisible Wall” I Can’t Escape
I use “invisible wall” to describe my current situation because I found that the things that make me feel constrained are not specific events, but more like an indescribable feeling and a subtle atmosphere. If I put it simply, it’s something like: “I want to handle many things with dignity, so I restrain myself to avoid tearing relationships apart, but this restraint ends up limiting me from doing what I really want to do.”
For me, the closer the relationship is, the stronger this feeling becomes. In fact, as I’ve said before, when I have a conflict of ideas and values with people close to me, I often take a passive approach: neither violent nor cooperative. During arguments, I listen to the other person’s angry output and keep silent, and when necessary, I use small lies to buy myself some space to do what I want. In the short term, this doesn’t intensify the conflict, but in reality, it’s just pushing the conflict back. Or maybe I’m hoping that changes in the external environment will prove my approach is better, or simply that I don’t want to be the “villain” and carry the blame.
Starting a studio, becoming a VTuber, freelancing—these are things I wanted to explore in the past or still want to explore now. Looking back on this year or earlier, when I wanted to start a business, my energy was consumed by dealing with intimate relationship issues. When I was suffering mentally, I also didn’t complete VTuber projects well. Back then I always felt something was dragging me down. Later I realized: even if I sacrificed my time and poured in my energy, the people involved might not feel grateful. On the other hand, with friends who aren’t that close, interactions tend to be much easier and lighter.
Some relationships have already gone away with the wind, just like 2024. If I want to hold onto any hope, maybe it’s hoping this “invisible wall” can get a bit thinner, so I can do more things I want to do.
A Pendulum-Like State and Mood
The word “pendulum” describes my state and mood this year very well, because my emotions keep switching between two extremes. When I’m positive, I become extremely excited and efficient, doing things non-stop. When I’m negative, I sink into a swamp and can’t get out; I sit there all night doing trivial things to kill time, and time just flows away. When I’m calm, many things don’t affect me. But when troubles come one after another, I also have many extreme and crazy thoughts. Even if I don’t show them, most of the inner irritability is slowly digested by myself.
This mood and mental state further make my life swing like a pendulum. Weight, work, and tasks to be done are often tightly tied to my mood and energy. For example, in early October in Singapore, my spoken English was probably at its peak this year. But after returning to China, because I had to take care of a sick cat at home, I felt irritated and exhausted and barely streamed anymore. Now it feels like I can’t open my mouth and speak English again; even posting messages in English communities feels a bit difficult.
Maybe because there were too many intense fights and emotional turbulence this year, I suddenly found myself becoming too easily triggered. At the worst times, even if it had nothing to do with me, just hearing the voice of someone I hated could make me feel like a hedgehog full of hostility and resentment. Sometimes even when things wouldn’t necessarily become terrible, I would first imagine the worst outcome, prepare for the worst, and even start drafting contingency plans—up to the point of “mutual destruction” with the other party.
New Realizations
One of the most memorable realizations this year is: lowering the expectation behind other people’s suggestions or promises can make life much happier, without damaging the relationship. Once you overthink and take it too seriously, most of the time it ends in bitterness. Simply put: the more you expect, the more you may be disappointed; the more you expect, the more misunderstandings you might have. If the other party keeps their promise, great; if they don’t, it’s also fine—because you didn’t expect much in the first place.
Another realization is: don’t expect others to understand you. If you can’t understand each other, it’s best not to disturb each other. I’ve drifted away from people around me in many ways for a long time. Whether they’re close or not, we rarely share topics. Our concerns are completely different: I pay attention to the stock market and related policies and situations; I pay attention to VTuber streams and collab projects; I haven’t watched anime for a long time; I’m not interested in some once-mainstream topics and elements. Naturally, there’s not much I can share with friends around me. Over time, I became the quietest one. Deep communication and value collisions are even rarer. Looking back, I spent most of this year exchanging viewpoints and tendencies in thinking with friends far away, while I had very few deep conversations with people around me. In the current environment, many of my thoughts are either exchanged with people who don’t matter to my real life, or buried in my heart—then I think based on the information I’ve gathered and take action.
Postscript
One day I suddenly realized: real life is like a game with no save/load function. Sometimes you encounter a critical choice point, but you can’t keep reloading to traverse every possibility. Sometimes in the 15th year of the game you discover an amazing combo that turns things around, but a single playthrough only lasts 20 years. Sometimes you adventure boldly and fill your backpack with loot, but a misstep kills you—and when you wake up, everything is gone…
So I always want to leave something behind. But then I suddenly realize: even if I do, how many people will actually see it? If I vanish, how long will what I left behind continue to exist? But I still want to write it down. So to everyone who read this far, thank you for enduring this unstructured 2024 review.
If I combine the past few years and look toward the next year: first I need to take stock of what I have, then clarify what I want, then push myself to embrace some changes. When necessary, I need to grit my teeth and overcome the things that trouble me—only then might I have a chance to turn around the bad hand I currently hold.
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