25 years of Tsukistar passing

After tonight, I will be welcoming the first day of my 25th year. In recent years, I’ve become less and less excited about birthdays. When I was young, being genuinely happy on my birthday was a luxury I never had. As I grew older and gained the ability to buy something I like, I started gifting myself something every year, such as a trip to a new city or a long-desired gift. I suppose this is my way of maintaining a sense of ritual. However, I don’t like talking about my birthday on social media where there are many people in real life. I always feel that letting parents, relatives, or people I know in real life see it would bring me unnecessary trouble. I prefer to spend the day freely by myself or with my significant other. Therefore, the happiest birthday I can remember is last year’s, when I celebrated at home with my ex-girlfriend and our two cats. We blew out candles, made wishes, and ate cake. It was a birthday party for the four of us. This was probably my first actual birthday party.

Every year around this time, I reflect on the past year’s events and record my experiences, lessons, and plans for the coming year. I once thought of organizing my past journals by themes like family, love, friendship, hobbies, work, and dreams. I wanted to rewrite these memories into a book, using stickers, washi tape, and a notebook for layout, as a precious gift to myself for my 25th birthday. I even had a title in mind: “25 years of Tsukistar passing.” But while the idea was beautiful, reality was harsh. The world outside was changing at an accelerating pace, with an atmosphere of anxiety and tension permeating every aspect—whether it be the economy, wars, daily life, or a myriad of other issues. Any slight disturbance seemed to cause high anxiety. My mental state was further eroded by a sudden breakup, being overwhelmed with complaints about me, a busier yet lower-paying job, and a career with no prospects. This led to a deteriorating mental state.

I often wonder whether it’s my mindset that has changed, making me feel that everything around me is accelerating, or if the urgency of the environment has altered my mindset.

People’s experiences subtly shape their changes. On the last day of being 24, maybe because I haven’t recently faced anger or sadness, I can calmly talk about many things. Perhaps it’s also because I continue to learn from the people and environment around me. This might be a self-protection mechanism: if a person isn’t constantly stimulated by painful things or doesn’t actively recall them, the feelings of torment and sadness will fade over time.

I don’t know if I’ve lived through a quarter or a third of my life (perhaps even half already). Lately, I’ve been wondering how much progress I’ve made compared to when I was 24. After thinking for a long time, I realized that I haven’t improved in any area. Instead, I’ve become more direct in dealing with people, my thinking has slowed, my ability to write long texts and code has regressed, and my document-writing skills are almost nonexistent. My life seems like a tightly connected circle where deterioration in intimate relationships leads to career setbacks, which then affect my mental state, creating a vicious cycle of worsening circumstances.

I often feel increasingly “nihilistic”. I’ve lost a sense of my name, age, and many things that start to seem meaningless. Whether it’s albums and trading cards I’ve bought, my two cats, or books—if these things disappeared before my eyes in the next moment, I wouldn’t feel much emotion. Every item has a story, but not all stories have a happy ending. Unpleasant memories, whether of my own past wrongdoings or hurts I’ve suffered, often resurface. I’m reluctant to look back at the past; even articles I wrote two or three months ago trigger an instinctive aversion when I see them again.

On the other hand, the more experiences I accumulate, the more fragile my mental state seems to become. This is a stark contrast to the stability I had a few years ago. Work issues only cause annoyance, but conflicts in intimate relationships often lead to feelings of breakdown. A fitting description for me is: “One only wants to talk when feeling happy, and loves to talk in front of those who make them comfortable.” Recently, my parents visited me while traveling. During that time, I suddenly realized that I might be relatively happier than many others. In a traditional family, I’m fortunate to be a boy, able to make many choices, and I can often just ignore the nagging after listening to it.

Returning to the initial question: “Is it the change in mindset that makes me feel the world is accelerating, or is it the urgency of the environment that changes my mindset?” Similarly, is it my upbringing that made me stubborn, or is my inherent stubbornness that shaped my interactions? I believe everyone has their own beliefs. If there’s a disagreement, at least we shouldn’t force others to accept our views. Unfortunately, like many others, I often don’t get understanding or support when I share my thoughts with close ones. Instead, I get negative feelings and discomfort from being reminded of past grievances. Over time, I develop an expectation of not receiving positive feedback, making me seem increasingly withdrawn in their eyes. Like with my ex-girlfriend, facing her anxious attachment and my avoidant attachment, my silence in the face of her storms feels like my heart is dying.

However, there are many things I still share with my real-life friends, Twitter friends, and group chats. Maybe it’s because I feel more at ease and comfortable with them, and relatively speaking, I do listen to their advice!

Looking back from today to the same day last year, I find myself quite dissatisfied with how the year has gone.

Soon, I’ll have three years of work experience, but my technical skills might still not compare to a fresh graduate entering a major company. On one hand, my company uses outdated technology to develop low-demand products, and on the other hand, I rarely focus on new technology trends or the fundamental study of front-end technologies. I seldom devote energy to improving myself.

I’ve always believed that most abilities and ways of thinking can be “trained”—singing, chatting, programming, learning languages, gaming skills… Just as I can now provide relatively good solutions in my familiar fields, these abilities are the wealth accumulated from my early long-term exploration and experience. However, if something is not done for a long time, and the continuity of doing it is lost, it takes a long time to adapt when starting again. For instance, six years ago, when I started writing blogs, I almost wrote one every week. At that time, my thoughts were clear, my writing was smooth, and I could explain things logically and coherently from beginning to end. But now, after not writing blogs for a long time, writing a sentence feels like trudging through a swamp with mud all over my brain. I can only jot down some fragmented thoughts first, then organize them together.

I started writing this article on June 10th, but it wasn’t until August 1st that I gradually finished it. There are many things I want to say, and I have new thoughts every day. Over the past year, it seems my friends have experienced more misfortune than good luck. We are all trying to get out of our predicaments and hoping for better times ahead.

But were there any good things that happened this year?

In fact, when I think about it carefully, there have been many wonderful things. I rented a house which is very nice, met many great friends, passed some certification exams, restarted my social media and participated in open-source projects successfully, and even picked up the habit of taking on commissions. Throughout this year, I’ve been exploring what I truly like to do and who I am. I gradually realized that the sense of achievement from helping and guiding others really makes me happy. There are still many things that can bring joy and laughter every day, and many things to explore in the future, so I still hold some hope for life.

All in all, happy 25th birthday to me. In the coming time, I hope that I’ll go with the flow, set some clear goals, regulate my life, and try to make myself happier.

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